I had arrived! Having completed my master’s degree in theology, I was ready to take the next step. A church selected me as their new pastor. With the diploma on my wall, Bible knowledge in my head, and a shepherd’s heart, I’d been aiming for this since God “called me to preach” ten years earlier.
My first counseling appointment as the pastor was with a young husband and father of two children, the same ages as mine. Seated across my desk, Reggie unpacked the struggles in his marriage. He also disclosed that between the ages of nine and thirteen, he had been sexually abused by his older brother.
That caught me totally off guard. I ran through my memory bank to find a Scripture verse, a biblical principle, or something … anything to address what he had disclosed. I don’t remember what I said. I only remember feeling inadequate and ill-equipped to handle his issue.
Anyone in a position to help others must recognize and accept their limitations. My academic credentials didn’t qualify me to help Reggie. I met with him a few times and offered the best biblically based advice I could muster, but I had to face the fact that the effect of childhood sexual abuse was more than I was capable of handling. Had I continued beyond my capabilities, I would have done him more harm than good. I referred Reggie to a professional counselor.
Formal education is valuable, but there’s no substitute for God imparting godly wisdom and understanding through the Holy Spirit. Over the next twenty years, I held various pastoral positions, took several mission trips, earned a Doctor of Ministry degree in counseling, and ministered on a call-in help line, offering biblically based counsel and prayer.
One day, while working on the help line, I received a call from Margie. She described how she had been sexually abused as a child, promiscuous as a teenager, and had made some poor relationship decisions as an adult. She struggled with guilt, shame, and insecurity for most of her life, and wanted to know how God saw her. Even though she was a follower of Christ, she never felt accepted by God due to her past.
I shared with Margie how her unaddressed childhood sexual abuse affected her actions during adolescence and adulthood, and there was hope for healing from her past. By God’s goodness, He viewed her through the lens of her identity in Christ. Not only was she accepted by Him, but she was also forgiven, loved, and redeemed.
As we discussed her identity in Christ in more detail, the fog of guilt and shame that obscured her vision of who God created her to be began to dissipate. I closed by praying for her, but I’ll never forget what she said before ending the call. She said, “Morris, I’m 62 years old, and you’re the first person that I’ve told about the sexual abuse.” Yes, 62 years!
I have since spoken with or counseled many women and men who were sexually abused during childhood. Some sought help; most had not.
By sharing Margie’s example, I’m not inferring that resolving issues from childhood sexual abuse is simplistic. It isn’t. Margie represents a vast number of survivors who have kept their abuse hidden. They have consciously or unconsciously developed coping strategies to deal with abuse that affected the quality and direction of their lives. You may be one, or there’s a strong chance you know someone, whether you realize it or not.
This book is a companion to the novels, Shelley’s Story and Shelley’s Petals. If Shelley had known the truths contained in these pages, her life would have had a vastly different outcome. This isn’t intended to be a substitute for professional counseling, but a biblically based resource to address significant issues resulting from abuse.
If you are in Margie’s position, our hope and prayer is that you will find healing, direction, and freedom by reading If Shelley Only Knew. If you have a shepherd’s heart but feel ill-equipped to provide counsel in this area, as I did, my prayer is that this book will better equip you to help survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
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